This is the first time in a very long time that I have been so excited.
It is the excitement of making the right decision.
It is the excitement of letting my heart make a decision.
Suddenly, life takes on a new meaning.
Suddenly, the day has a purpose.
This is the first time in a very long time that I have felt so joyful.
It is the joy of knowing that success is guaranteed.
Because when your soul is 100% in it, God is 100% with you.
“This is a test,” I thought, as I came out of a particularly successful interview for the world’s most boring job. “This is a test to see whether I accept the first thing that comes along for the sake of financial security, knowing that I will hate my job from the first week and that I will be sacrificing my dream for it”.
When we set along the path to make our dreams come true, many things can hinder us and test us. Obstacles come in the way; some to slow us down and test our patience, others to challenge us and make us prove to ourselves and the universe that we are truly 100% set on making our dream come true. Some of these tests are very sly, camouflaged in the routine of daily life. Such as a job offer promising financial security.
“What effect will this job have on my life?” I asked myself on the way home from the interview. “I will be bored after the first week. I will be disappointed not to be using my skills and qualities. I will be frustrated not to be doing what I love, or even enjoy. This will often put me into a bad mood, and perhaps even depression. These negative feelings will cause serious problems in my personal life; I will be moody, jealous and unsatisfied. I will always be thinking that I am wasting time, when I could be spending this time doing something I love. I will put my dream on hold for another year. I will probably lose the faith and energy to start trying to make it come true once my contract with this company ends.”
And to think I was actually considering inflicting all of this upon myself by accepting the job!
Luckily, I realised that this was a test in disguise. Luckily, God whispered in my ear and told me to look at this ‘opportunity’ in the light of my dreams. By putting aside financial stability and by listening to the yearnings of my soul, I was able to get a clearer and truer vision of the decision at hand.
I thank You, God – both for testing and guiding me. I thank You for reminding me of the importance of my dream. I thank You for sending me back on the right path. And if there are others who stray, others who forget, others who do not notice the tests that come their way, others who come across obstacles, please, whisper in their ear, too. Please help them to remember their dreams.
Amen.
I can hear God chuckling, like a father amused at his daughter’s childish worries.
“But I thought it would be easy”, I moan desperately and sincerely. “I thought that one day I would just be an author; that I would be intelligent, talented and inspired”.
God is hiding laughter in the corner of his mouth; his eyes radiate joy and compassion.
“I don’t understand why I’m stuck”, I half-whisper. “I don’t understand why I’m not getting anywhere”.
God ruffles the trees in the park and blows a group of clouds to the South. The oaks bend towards me beneath his breath.
“You’re looking at everything the wrong way”, he replies calmly. “Instead of seeing yourself as someone who isn’t making her dream come true because she has not been printed in magazines or is not hailed by critics or does not have novels selling out in bookshops, see yourself as someone who is not afraid to admit her dream and to work towards it. You are taking action every day to try and realise your dream. Think about that and rejoice in it”.
A black veil falls from my eyes and I suddenly see myself and my life in a new light. I am someone who has taken a conscious decision to make my dreams come true. I must think not about the things that stop me, but about the things that keep me going on this journey.
“You get stuck because you forget the reasons for which you want to be a writer,” God carries on, running his fingers through tree branches and waving a small space of sky clear for the sun to come and say good morning. “Remind yourself of what moves your heart the most, what fills you with life and peace.”
I look at the autumn leaves, so much drier than they were a month ago. They look fragile and tired. They would crumble and scatter over the earth if I were to take them into my hand.
God follows my thoughts. “You are most inspired by and in nature. You love nature, but often resist your love, because it will get you nowhere in society.” The old oaks nod in agreement and a ray of sunlight makes it way through the morning’s heavy clouds.
“You are in awe of nature, you understand it more than you think,” Gods peaceful voice resonates across the park as I sit still, absorbing the day’s colours, sounds and temperatures. “You hear nature and nature hears you. When you connect to it, you are inspired. When you write about it, you are fulfilled”.
The clouds have dispersed and the sun is heating my arm. Flowers lower their eye lids and lift their faces to the sun, for the optimum tan. Bushes wave their arms frantically, trying to get the sun’s attention as it undresses, throwing off its white robes.
I feel peaceful. I can’t remember what had roused me into my earlier frantic state. All I can think of are those endless fields that I walked through this summer. The grass danced to the wind’s rhythm and I walked in silence, listening to the forest’s fairytales.
“Write from the soul, not from the mind. Write, because your soul wants it, needs it, loves it. Write, because you know that it will bring Me joy to read your work. Write, because you know that it will bring Me joy to see you writing. Write, because you want to talk to nature, not because you want to be talked about by people. Leave the politics, the drama and the psychology for others to deal with; you have your own thing to talk about.”
I watch the sun turning leaves from dark green to golden. It is hot now; this morning’s clouds have gone to water neighbouring lands.
“Thank You for bringing the sun out”, I say.
“You needed it!” he laughs, sending the first leaves spiralling off their branches into the stream.
Dear Reader, dear Friend,
It’s been almost a month since we last met. You’ve had no news from me and I have not had the chance to catch up on yours. I’m sorry for my absence; I’ve truly missed you and can’t wait to hear all about your summer. As for mine, it’s been both healing and inspiring…
I spent a month with the people I love, visiting my old homes and my old countries. I watched sunsets, made meals, picked mushrooms, dug earth, killed weeds, took photos and ate fresh fruit and veg. Tired of intellectual activity, I decided to become more active, to dedicate my time to people, rather than to ideas; to actions, rather than to words. I didn’t keep up with world news, I did not read newspapers or magazines, and I did not check my e-mails. Instead, I tried to be more aware of the small details immediately around me. How do my close ones feel? Is there anything I can do to help? Can I make an extra effort to put a smile onto someone’s tired face? What’s more important – doing something I enjoy, or spending that time bringing joy into my family’s life instead?
The less I paid attention to myself, the more I noticed others. The less I thought about society, the more I understood my family. The less I focused on what is expected of a person of my age, sex, race and social standing, the more I lived by instinct. The less I worried about other’s opinions of me, the more I was honest to myself.
Oh, how much I learnt from all of this! In the past month I tried to observe deeper than the skin, I tried to hear further than words, I tried to understand larger than actions. In the past month I wanted to connect not with the name, not with the image, not with the reputation, not with the status, not with the job title, not with the salary, not with the clothes label, not with the CV, not with the awards, not with the face…but with the soul.
I observed things differently and tried to see beyond the surface. I reached into each person and tried to understand them for the eternal being that they are. And when I did this, when I connected with each person’s soul, I found only one thing: love.
I remember reading somewhere that “Only love is real”. At the time, I believed this idea; now, I understand it.
This is not something that can be explained and it is definitely not a concept I could begin to try convey in words. As a teenager, I thought that my wisdom could come from text books, as a young adult, I thought that I would learn it through philosophers; now, I understand that the world’s most important lessons comes from life itself. If you haven’t yet seen, through the swaying of trees, through the laughter of a child or through the deep eyes of a passer by, that only love is real, don’t waste your nights reading philosophy books, just go out there and live: talk to everyone openly and honestly, give time and effort to your close ones, notice the small things that people do for you, see the positive side to every person and situation, and most importantly: love love love.
I’m quite stuck on what to say to you next, dear friend. I want to tell you so much. If you were here in front of me, sharing a glass of wine on my balcony, I would be waving my arms manically, talking so fast that my tongue couldn’t keep up and telling you…telling you everything right from the beginning. I’d have to go years back, to tell you about why I worried, why I was doubtful, why I was shy and insecure, why I was full of hate and frustration, why I lost hope, why and how I started believing again, why I started forgiving, why I began apologising, why I let go, and why I suddenly understood. But now, with not much space, I need to get to the essentials: everything passes, but only love remains.
Oh how I wish you were here with me, dear friend, so that we could take a walk in the park by my house. We would look at the soft sunlight radiating through the golden trees and you would tell me what is on your heart. I would be filled with peace and joy to realise that we understand one another; that two people, with different lives and different experiences, see something similar in all this worldly chaos. I would thank God for showing me that there are other people who see what I see, feel what I feel and believe what I believe. You are miles away, dear friend, but I am still grateful; grateful that you are honest, grateful that you share your soul with me and grateful that you are here, on this earth, at the same time as I am.
I am sorry for having been away so long. I hope that my letter wasn’t too much of a muddle. There are so many other things that I would like to share with you; so many ideas, feelings and, when words aren’t enough, images. I look forward to our weekly meetings; though you may be miles away, you mean a lot to me. Your words resonate in my mind and your visions change my own perception of the world. I understand that you too need ‘time off’, and although your temporary absence may sadden me, I only wish that you never stop writing, never stop sharing. There would be a whole in many people’s hearts if you do.
Speak very soon, my friend.
All my love,
xxx
Three weeks have gone past since my last post. A whirlwind of events, thoughts and feelings provoked a natural pause in any ‘creative’ activities. In the past three weeks summer arrived unexpectedly, friends came and went, I grew a year older, I gave my month’s notice of resignation, I was reunited with people who I haven’t seen for two years, I cut my hair shorter than it has ever been, I saw breathtaking sunsets, I cried from happiness on several occasions, I came across confusing and irrational conflicts, I prayed, I listened, I got unexpected answers from unexpected places.
I am once more at a time of the great unknown. Yet for the first time, I welcome the unknown like a friend. In the past few months, the unknown tested me, challenged me and took me out of my comfort zone. The unknown revealed parts of my character, both positive and negative, that I had never known; it revealed desires to which I had never admitted; and it made me stronger by showing me my weaknesses.
It is not in my perfectly planned and organised life that I learnt about myself, but it is in moments of uncertainty, of turbulence and of absolute incomprehension that I managed to grasp, even a little, at my true essence.
Our first meeting with the unknown is like our first meeting with silence. It seems like there is nothing but emptiness 
around and no matter how loud we scream our questions, we get no answers, except for an echo, in return. Yet is is not from silence that we should expect a reply, it is being in silence that allows us to hear our own answers. In the same way, it is not the unknown that will guide us, but our inner guide that will emerge once we’re in it.
In today’s society, we’re used to receiving answers and advice from a variety of external sources, whether it’s a GPS, an agony aunt, Google or a phone call to a friend. We rely on other people to tell us how we feel, what decision to make and which route to take. Yet what would we do if we got lost in a foreign place with no street names, no map, no phone and no passers by to ask for directions? What if we had to find our way without any external help?
In the past few weeks I came across a problem to which I had no answers…about which I didn’t even have a clue. I needed help, advice, guidance, yet I couldn’t think of who or what could offer me help in such a situation. I felt that rationalisation, discussion and writing out pros and cons would not be good enough. This was not a matter that the mind could solve. This was a matter of the soul.
And so I prayed. I sat in silence and I searched for an answer deep within. And something unexpected, something that no one else would have advised, yet something that was so perfect for the situation came to me. My intuition gave me an answer that I couldn’t have received from anywhere else.
So today, I will rejoice in the unknown, because it is the unknown that makes me listen to myself, that helps me understand myself and that gives me freedom.
A quote has been running through my mind all these weeks, which truly captures the beauty of embracing the unknown:
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planed, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” ~ Joseph Campbell
Love Out Loud 